In a state of being bombarded by all the head talk I struggle to form sentences but that will not stop me from trying.
Sometimes things do not work out the way you had always dreamt of. Sometimes peoples lives go in different directions without realising it until it is too late. Things carry on as normal, get stagnant and the things in those peoples lives seem more important than the person they are with. Of course this is just my current perspective on things right now, in the mindset of sadness, the feelings of not being worth the effort long before the end suddenly came about. It just happened. Things always seem to just happen.
To say I am fed up of all the shit that gets thrown my way would be an understatement and to those that say “but life is yours to make it what you want” I would kindly tell them to fuck off with that privileged way of thinking. Because I am here telling you that this is not the case. Every part of our lives are impacted by those around us. People have asked me how I’m coping without the emotional support of another. It breaks my heart to say that it was always something that didn’t really happen. Occasional hugs and conversations occurred but only when I instigated it. The moment I stopped, so did the hugs and conversations. Years passed, hope kept me going, then the reality hit me like a tonne of bricks. I guess looking back it was me who said “no more, this is the line you do not cross” but by gods that doesn’t meant that I am filled with anything but sadness. My heart belongs to another, it always will and if my heart can not be completed by said person then I am fully willing to accept a life of being a spinster. Something I promised myself years ago. The thing is when you give your heart to another you can not guarantee its safety. All you can do is hope that they take they embrace it in the way you need, the way your whole being is.
I would never ask a person to change who they want to be, that doesn’t stop you hoping that you are important enough for another to consider it. But again, who am I to ask another to change who they are? I feel kind of cheated that I wasn’t important enough for this to happen. Of course I also changed over time, I am for ever growing and changing. I am still finding things out about myself and fully understand that when people grow they don’t always grow in the same direction.
I am heart broken and stuck in a place of mourning even though they haven’t passed. I don’t know what to do. Perhaps changes have gone too far to go back on. Is it even possible? Do I message them and risk messing with what ever it is they are doing, thinking, and feeling? Are they waiting for me to make first contact? Is this really the end of something that almost made it to 17 years? All those dreams and plans that never happened because sometimes hope isn’t strong enough. I know I am unapologetically me, and they are unapologetically themselves too. It isn’t fun when you try and move down the field to their goal post, for them to get moved to an unknown location because there was never any communication. Being told “not to worry” “it is ok” believing things will get better and the relationship between you will be what it was at the start. I do not buy into this societal crap that things always get like this. My late grandma made me promise not to settle, to break the cycle that ran in the family of the women just settling into a life that isn’t what they want. I ignored this promise for too long. Longer than I should of done I guess but the hope was strong, there was always the hope. I think there still maybe, or is that just hoping for hope?
As the title says “mind vomit” if you dear reader have made it this far, goodness knows what you are thinking, but I thank you anyway.
So how are things other than all this mind vomit? Well work has disappeared, trying to keep up with everything hasn’t happened because my head is too loud and I have yet again made plans and promises that I can not currently keep, mainly because I was in a different “place” when they were made. Now I don’t even know the place I am in let a lone where it is heading and what I can do and can not do now. Only fans is still a strong option. But I need to try and make up for the patron promises that have been missed.
I chose this year to sort the house out and to get my life sorted, mainly working on the art trauma that I have been ignoring for the past 30 years. Fuck it hits hard when you see how many years you have been trying to deal with trauma in order to get the life you have dreamt of. Ugh 30 bloody years. Ohhhhh to have that time back with the knowledge I have now, something people say all the time but it is true. My youngest asked me the other day if I felt “cheated” out of the life I could have always had, if things that lead to cptsd never even happened and I guessing a way I do. As I have said twice before 30 years of trying to sort through it all whilst also trying to cope with the hear and now has consumed every part of my being and I am only now making sense of it all, of who I am, what I can and can not do. The challenges I face are fucking scary, I don’t know if it is actually possible. Perhaps I am just meant to live out my life the way many others do. But there is that niggle of not wanting to. And after all I made a promise to my grandma and to myself. I can’t go back not those at all. It is not an option. I have to move forward and those that want to come and be a part of it will make an effort. I am not dragging anyone along with me, that wouldn’t be right. So here I stand, as a possible life long eccentric spinster stuck in council accommodation with no real home to call their own. Ugh.