The roots..

“Begin as you mean to go on and go on the way you began….” Charles Haddon Spurgeon. I am not a religious person but love the start of this quote. For me this means being real, honest and raw which is good because I don’t really know how to be anything else.

Born in 1976 I come from a walk of life that is often considered the lowest of the low. I left school with no qualifications, started college but didn’t finish as I had my first child at the age of 17, married at 18, started divorce proceedings around 22/23 and had my second child at 24. True to the stereotype of a council house mum, both had separate fathers, non of which had a very positive impact on our lives and so the relationships didn’t really last that long. My life up until this point has all been focused around children, after all, being a mother wasn’t just the only thing I was ever told I could be, it is also the role I have know for the longest. “Its just how life is, you grow up to find a man, have a child, wait for them to start school and then go and work either in a school or factory until you retire” There was never talk of careers, not having children was ever an option and neither was following your dreams until they eventually die as you resolve yourself to living the same life the women before you had lived. You settle, fit into society and accept what you’re given.

I’ve had various “life experiences” and have the mental health diagnoses to go with them. Parts of my personality that are dismissed as being symptoms of these illnesses have always been there. I was apparently born stubborn, I’ve always been creative, never liked being told what to do, how to act, how to dress etc and as far as I know have always loved living in my own little bubble. I was diagnosed in my teens as having Borderline Schizophrenia, which got changed to Borderline Personality Disorder in my early 30’s with Complex post-traumatic stress disorder thrown into the mix. I can’t remember a lot of things between the ages of 9 to 21, it’s quite patchy up until the age of 28 which is when I made the decision to come off all antidepressants etc, and start a course in Dialectical Behaviour therapy. I was talking full control over my life, taking responsibility for where my life was heading. Lots of hard work and years later, (mainly as it took a while for me to be able to apply it to my life rather than just understanding it at an academic level) my BPD is as under control as it can be. Trying to fit into societies norms are not something I worry about anymore which in turn has made my mind is a lot healthier than it was. I’m quite fond of myself and the way I am, so is my other half who I started dating about a year after I decided all these changes needed to happen.

This blog was originally going to be launched when I turned 40 as a way to document all the exciting things that I had planned for the next chapter in my life. There was a lot. What I hadn’t planned for was just how my physical health would give me a beating, not just physically but also mentally. Three years later (and a few attempts at starting) here I am trying to find a way of adapting my life to meet challenges that I have been trying to wrap my head around.

Of course in the mean time I had been researching all the tips and best ways to blog, start a blog etc etc. It got overwhelming so I then spent a while hiding from the very prospect of blogging again. I then realised that I am messy, mine and most peoples lives are messy. I don’t fit into just one box, I never have done and never will. I still do not know what direction to head in but I am starting to get an idea, which is an important step and a perfect place for this blog to finally start. Everything is based on my own experiences, opinions and ways of doing things. I’m sharing what it’s like to live in my bubble, to live the lifestyle I lead, and what does and doesn’t work for me. Here is hoping that sense as being on medication all the time really does make it challenging at times.