Midlife crisis or simply had enough of life’s bullshit? I am not sure I have the answer but what I do know is that with everything that has been going on lately I am leaning more towards the latter. Maybe a midlife crisis is only a crisis because you realise you have spent your life so far going by what the majority of society dictates. Then those that are still doing all that, and those who have accepted societies norms decide that there must be something wrong with you for stopping the predetermined ride in order to get off and find your own way around the crazy amusement park that is life. No I have no idea where that analogy came from but you know what? It fucking well works for me so I am going to keep it. So this I guess is yet another post of me trying to figure things out, whilst also being mixed with the pre birthday existential crisis oh and let us not forget the fact that if I am very lucky I have about 40 years left on this planet. 40 years is not long, I seem to of blinked when I was at school and here I am.
I have had many life experiences, so far I have survived every single hard day and challenge I have faced. I may have extensive trauma and very unhealthy coping mechanisms but I am still here facing how the fuck I am going to move forwards. I want, fuck need to try and get my shit together.
Let’s have a little recap. This year so far I have really struggled, like really, really struggled. I am still very much mourning my past relationship, I cant believe all the red flags I missed, how much work I put into it, the amount of lies I had been told, the feelings of severely been let down by the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and oh dear gods the realisation of just how bad I had been treated. Why the fuck did I put up with that for so many years, why did I ignore my gut every single time. I learnt how to be alone whilst in a relationship, I learnt how to get over the crippling feelings of loneliness whilst in a relationship. What the hell is all that about, oh and It turns out that I am not the only one he lied to. People talk, and things get back to me. Talk about taking the fucking piss, whilst not taking any accountability. Now there is a shock!! (Yes that is sarcasm.)
So here are my words. How fucking dare you, how dare you lie to me and everyone else because you cant admit that you fucked up and treated me like shit. You were always the first person to critique everyone else whilst doing those to me. Denial must be great, whilst I was there begging you for help. physical help, emotional help all of which were never met. I kept the hope going, put you before me, but non of that was good enough was it. You were only ever happy getting your own way, doing your own thing and I wasn’t even a second thought. Your selfishness and fake superiority complex is the reason why things are the way they are. You never respected me, you denied every request for emotional support. told people lies to make you out to be the “better” person. “Oh isn’t he good sticking with his disabled girlfriend who is out of it on medication all the while” what a massive pile of bollox. In fact what a massive pile of ablest bollox. You think I cant do anything without you? Fucking watch me. You seem to have forgotten one or two things. I am stubborn. I am a surviver and I will always come back fighting. Fuck you for wasting 18 years of my life.
With that out of the way, I can start looking forwards, making plans, accepting support whilst also letting my stubbornness steer me in the direction I want. Sure 40yrs isn’t that long, but it is long enough to turn this shit around. Which is exactly that I am going to do, so sit back, get comfy, and watch me succeed.
So midlife crisis? Being sick of this bullshit? I will let you decide, either way I don’t care because “it is what it is”
