Around and around we go

When will this stop? no body knows. If you are not prepared to read another post about my financial and indeed life difficulties then I do suggest you come back another day when it is hopefully a bit brighter, however this is indeed going to be a post about me worrying over money and stressing about the fact the council really want me out because I do not have the income to pay off my rent arrears.

It all started out so well until our money messed up, PIP stopped my sons claim, meaning I lost carers allowance. The councils idea of referring me to social services hasn’t happened. The helping support from other people in my life still isn’t happening and I am at breaking point, and I am a lone in being at breaking point. Don’t get me wrong, I do now have a wonderful community online, through TikTok of all places. Yes I know who would of thought joining it would bring so much comfort. Of course I still get comments off fuckwits but what they do not understand is that I am honestly that use to getting shit from people about the way I look, my lifestyle, the way my house and garden looks etc it just gets so boring and repetitive.

That was a lot of information for one fairly short paragraph. We all know how much I have been struggling financially for what seems like for ever now. It’d be nice to have enough money just so I didn’t have to constantly have that worry on my mind, but as things have got worse, so has the threat of eviction, which came through this morning. Happy Yule to me I guess.

Over the past few months I have been pushing myself to try and earn money, doing daily readings, offering my services as a wellbeing life coach, offering personal readings, help with spells, and pretty much anything and everything I can. Then I had a flair up and my body reminded me of why I am completely unemployable. I have been out of action so to speak for coming up to a month, before then I was pushing myself to get things done which no doubt added to winter’s regular gift, and now I am behind without the brain power to focus on things for longer than a few moments at a time. Which is why there will no doubt be many a paragraph in this post, one for every moment of clarity. It has already taken me three hours to get this far, but I plan on persisting until I have everything out of my brain, so then I can go to bed a little lighter and tomorrow try and find another way.

What I wouldn’t give for a hug off my grandma, she always knew what to do, would let me cry myself to sleep and then help me find an answer. I now have no one. Which does sound very harsh towards my other half, but our relationship appears to of become more like house mates than anything else, which breaks my heart and doesn’t help my emotional state. He helps by paying the gas, electric, and internet even though he still doesn’t live here. Honesty I would rather have the emotional support than financial help any day of the week. Before your brain asks, yes I have mentioned this, many times, over the past 16 years. It goes in one ear and out the other, I can not make him do anything he doesn’t want to just as he can’t make me do anything I do not want to do. We are equal in that aspect. That is where it ends though as we all know I would care for, look after, and help the world if I could. It is heartbreaking that I get more validation and support from my online community than I do from the person who holds my heart. It really is a one sided relationship which has been getting more and more one-sided over the years. That much so I do believe I have given up hope of it ever changing, leaving me questioning what exactly I should do about the situation. I know what I would, and do tell others. As my grandma once told me, “it is better to be lonely and alone than be lonely with someone” and yet I do not want to. I guess there must be some hope in me some where. Hope that he will start realising how his choices, actions etc impact others, mainly me. I simply can not cope with having to look after my own health, my sons needs, running the house, the garden, and try and get myself a career. Yes that is right I want a career more than anything. I want hope for my future so I can then give my children hope even though one is almost 28 and the other 21. I want to show them that I can break the cycle, I want to keep my promise to my grandma that I will not just let life happen and settle. She died with regrets and she did not want that for me, I promised her that I wouldn’t but I do not know how I can even think about doing it without money.

I love my way of life, I have adapted some of my dreams to fit into the situation I am in, I live honestly, simply, enjoy the small things, take care of my chickens, grow food, soon to grow flowers. The whole “life style has to come from within first” is very true and something I have implemented into my life. So I guess that is one thing, but it isn’t good enough. I want; no I need more in my life. I need to work out how to do this all on my own, how to travel, and to explore. This is hard when you’re house bound. I do not know how other disabled people go about doing the things they way, I am guessing they have support from others. I am yet to find a disabled content creator that does the things they want without the support of others, are there any? Can there ever be any? Oh and they have to be right at the bottom of the societal ladder with no money, or maybe a way of earning money.

Needless to say this post has gone on for far too long, and has taken me six hours to write. It is not almost half past six, I am going to try and find a mixture of safe herbs to smoke, try and take my meds without listening to the urges of taking them all, and then I am going to go to bed to try and sleep, whist hoping my nightmares are at least manageable. Wish me luck, as no doubt I shall be writing a lot more. I do actually have posts planned regarding the gardening. A big shift from the ramblings of this hectic mental health vomit. If you have read this far then thank you for giving up your time.