My blog is the only place where I am going to be visible this weekend, and maybe for a day or two longer. This is for the simple fact I am taking some time for myself. I know “shock horror” but it has been needed for a while and I am going to need it in the up and coming months too.
I have been doing really well working and continuing to work on my art, even if I do say so myself. I am not saying of course I am at the level I eventually want to be but I am loving the level I am at already. I am loving exploring different styles, media, and just the whole thing. What I am not loving is the mental toll it is taking, nor am I loving the extra trauma being brought up as I continue to work on it all. I have mentioned more than once that it has been 30 since I have really concentrated on any art in the more formal way I am doing now. Not only is this bringing up art trauma flashbacks but also flashback from the same point in my life. This is not something I am enjoying and as I was focused on building up a positive relationship with art I hadn’t even thought other things would be brought up. Who knows it may end up being ok in the long run, it may add to my healing, maybe I will be so glad I started this I sleep without nightmares.
You see not only does this year mark 30 years since leaving school it also marks the same many years since my life was turned on its head and everything changed. September to January is always the hardest for me but it is hitting harder this year. Even the smell of Autumn is triggering, and I love the smell of autumn. But almost every breath brings me back to being that scared 16 year old all over again. I have been on constant high alert and it is exhausting. Then, the other day a sound I had not heard in a while hit me as hard as the actual diesel car it reminded me of could of done. That was it, straight to having flashbacks of memories I was not expecting. Trying to deal with the fall out of this has been exhausting. Of course, and as per usual, I am doing this on my own. To say I have not been coping would be an understatement and it has meant I have been unable to focus on simple tasks more than normal and I have once again fallen behind on so many things, and in so many different areas.
Of course with the change of seasons come that helpful friend we lovingly call “symptom flair ups” I have increased the level of medication making my brain even more floofy than before. Thinking about it my brain is currently really loud. It isn’t making much sense, it is as though I have a bunch of disobedient drunks or coke heads running around in there. It needs to chill. I need to chill. Hold fuck the world needs to chill too whilst we are on that subject briefly. This wasn’t helped with “our Liz” dying. Oh you would be right in thinking “oh but I thought she was against the monarchy” and indeed I am. Very much so. But this isn’t an essay about the abolition of the royal family. It has simply hit harder because she reminded me of my grandma and it has brought everything flooding back, mixed with the fact as I am going through my personal shit, I do not have her to hug me, tell me off, point me in the right direction. Nowt like being truly alone is there?
So what do I have planned over the weekend? It is the full moon and indeed full moon harvest today, rituals were done this morning and there is an on going spell too. As usual offereings have out on the cross roads for Hecate. I have worked in my witchy books, I’ve sketched, napped, drank copious amounts of tea, cried, hugged pillows, and of course written this. I am now going to go, feed the chickens, clean up a little bit, and then feed myself before heading back to bed.