Even though this has been the hardest winter I have had in such a long time It is still that time of year once again where I reflect on the past year and try and focus on the up and coming year. Only this year I am without the guidance of my grandma. This has been my first ever without her, which has left me feeling so lost and a lone. Even more than normal. I am going through a lot of financial issues, resulting in issues with the landlord which is my local council, so that Not only that but I picked up a virus or two at yule, because my eldest, grandson, and grandson’s mum, all came around, and I am simply not use to being around people that are not in my bubble. We had a wonderful time, troubles were left aside as much as possible, my youngest cooked. All went amazingly well even without the lack of gifts. It is now the 30th I am still absolutely exhausted, I have a virus on top of my flair up. I am crying more than normal, and sleeping more than normal. (Possibly watching more YouTube than normal too) I have sat down and spoke with my other half and changes are being made, which will of course be a work in progress but it is worth the work.
The plus side is that I am now full of so much inspiration of things I want to do, plans I want to make, places I want to travel to, but I am battling against my health. Ok I am learning how to work with my health and not fight against it. Either way both is an exhausting thing.
I have made the decision to stop offering my services as an emotional wellbeing life coach, for the time being anyway. It has been taking a lot of my energy and I simply need to sort my own life out right now. In the mean time I have decided to focus my energies onto creating content for Patreon and Youtube, mainly and little bits for TikTok.
I have so many ideas, dreams, and plans that I want to do but I can’t until I get on top of my house, and the garden. I still need a way to try and earn money so it makes sense that I pretty much vlog the whole process, then when it is done concentrate on more creative content. Who knows this may even help other disabled folks, and I may also get some advice from others onto how I can start the slow plod towards getting my life back. It goes without saying that this is going to be a very honest look on how these things go, especially as right now the whole chronic illness malarky is really taking its toll and you have as much of an idea as to how long it’ll take as I do. But once I do then I can really get into the things I enjoy the most.
The organisation of the house has declined over the past five years, coincidently since becoming ill my priorities have changed a great deal and house work is right at the bottom. What also doesn’t help is the fact my youngest has attachments with so many things. It is a neurodivergent thing and so it takes ages for him to get use to the idea of clearing stuff let a lone actually clearing things, sorting things, organising things, etc. everything “will be useful” or is part of his history, whether it be art, computers, pebbles, pretty much anything. I do not find this a problem, so it doesn’t bother me. We just need to find storage solutions. Not just for his room and things but for everything. I have a sewing room, craft and art studio crammed into a box room and the landing. I do think this will be a fun creative challenge though and I already have some ideas, and I may be able to utilise furniture from my grandparents house, which is in the process of being cleared and I want to keep as much stuff in the family as possible.
Of course I am still going to have to deal with all my other crap, mental health, physical health, caring for my son, being cared for by my son, and whilst I am being honest (when am I ever anything else?) I have no idea how I am going to do it all. I still have more conversations to be had about getting some help around the house. I am sure once it is sorted it will be easier for us all to keep onto of rather than it just being left up to me. I can’t do it anymore, we know that I haven’t been able to do this for some time now and this has resulted in melt down after melt down.
How this is all going to work out is beyond me. I am scared of editing, if I was giving advice to anyone else starting it I would tell them to enjoy the process. This is exactly what I need to tell myself, and to listen, without judgment. Start off with making do with the set up I have, which is mainly using my iPhone, iPad, and maybe my MacBook. Being happy with what I can do, or at least accepting that my editing skills are non existent right now and I may have to do it all in one take. I do know that because of my brain fog I will have to write “scripts” to keep me on track and to make sure I don’t miss anything important, and so I do not ramble as much; which I am renowned for.
For 2022 my main mission is to work on my fear of failure, something I have tried, given up, tried again etc for as long as I can remember. It is something that gets in my way all of the time and it has left me with being ‘stuck’ in the same cycle my whole life. Well no more. By gods it is going to suck, but hopefully I can come back in a years time and tell myself it was worth it.