I have no idea where the time has gone since I last posted but here we are finally writing an update.
Today is the full moon, tomorrow the equinox, and in three months time it will be Yule!! I have been use to wondering where time goes for a number of years now but since the start of the pandemic time has messed up even more. I do not know where it has all gone but I do know it has gone faster than most of us would have liked.
It is the time of year where I focus on everything I have learnt over the past year, so there may well be the odd rant in this post.
So with all this in mind, where have I been and what have I been up to? Well there has been lots of behind the scenes writing and planning, it is the main reason why I have not updated my blog too much because I am trying to focus on one thing at a time rather than my usual several million projects on the go meaning nothing gets finished. I have been managing to keep up with the daily readings but I am thinking about a different way to do this because it seems a bit generic and I would like to stand out more. But heck I do that for fun and so far the energy drain isn’t too bad. I do think sometimes the wifi is on my side and refuses to work until lunch time, it is what it is and I can’t do anything if wifi drops out.
I also spontaneously made a tea-cosy after my teapot went cold before I had finished, this took a little longer than I guess it would of done if I knew what I was doing and no doubt the next one will be easier, yup it was another “make up as you go along” one and I have had many order requests for one ( I am not selling them) so I am taking that as a huge compliment to my skills. Who doesn’t love a little confidence boost? I know I certainly enjoy them and I am able to accept them without doing the usual “thank you but..” Thing that invalidates anything slightly positive that someone may say to me.
I have not been around on social media too much, well ok mainly Facebook. I am mostly avoiding it as I am so fed up of people’s ignorance, negativity and constant complaining about things when their energy could be put to better use focusing on their own lives and sorting it out rather than being full of negativity all the while. It is frustrating how many people still feel the need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better. I don’t even keep in touch with any of my family on there now. My father is no longer following me after I called him out on his transphobia etc. my brother and his wife ignore me so they can both go fuck themselves and as for my mother, well she is on there but still hasn’t really spoken to me since the death of my grandma and since I was blanked at her funeral. I am sure they are all happy together after making me out to be the bad person again. Am I bitter about it? Yes a little bit, I have always been the one people turn against in the family, and well all the love and support went with my grandma.
Talking of her, I miss her so much, I could do with her advice, her hugs, one of her dinners and a story. To say that I miss her is so much of an understatement, I am still holding onto anger about not being told how poorly she was before “the call to family” I am still holding onto the anger that I was left out of everything after. Her funeral said nothing about the sort of woman she was, I wonder if that is because they honestly didn’t know her dreams, regrets, beliefs etc. she was more than just a wife, mother and a cook. There were so many lies said at her funeral which. Does it help me in the slightest? No of course it doesn’t but I have always been very protective over my grandma, I was closer with her than anyone, we would sit and talk about things for hours. I have lost all of that from my life, I no longer have a safe place to go to and it is scary. Heck I even started on a new blanket for her because I had forgotten she wasn’t earth side anymore. Now I can not bring myself to undo what I have already done.
It is that time of year where everything gets more on top of me than usual. Then goes, sad lamp comes out and I am constantly feeling cold and vulnerable. Of course worries turn to lack of money more so than normal, especially with the run up to Yule, and this year is my grandson’s first Yule which is even more exciting. I can not currently afford enough food to eat properly let alone anything such as a big meal, gifts etc. the blanket I started for my grandma will go to him I think. You can never have enough blankets after when you have children. And who knows by then my son and his family may be out of that horrid flat and into a home that isn’t full of damp that wrecks things. See I get upset that I can to help them out more either. This not being able to work, and not getting the support I need really is making me worse and yet I am singing into the void so to speak.
It isn’t like I never ask for help. It is more the fact I have no one to ask. The companies I owe money to do not understand and neither does the council. I am just about making rent and council tax but not able to pay much off my arrears. Their budgeting plan puts aside £30 per person per week for food. That has been the same amount for as long as I can remember and you can forget about dietary needs because these are not taken into consideration, neither is the fact that when you say you are house bound they think that means you have the money to pay for taxi’s and Ubers to appointments. My other half doesn’t help out anymore than get me stuff from the shop if they are going. Have I asked? Yes constantly, on a monthly basis but I can not make anyone do something they do not want to do, and if they don’t want to help me out to make my life easier because it means they can’t do want they want, when they want then that is what it is. I can continue to be depressed about item or I can accept that this is how life is and if they won’t help me I need to find someone who can. Thing is there isn’t anyone so I am facing a rather lonely life of struggling. My youngest son helps out more than anyone I know, and he’s got ASD. He makes sure I eat at least once a day, will do the shopping online for me, working out meals etc. by gods he’s a good cook. He also knows how to make fantastic cuppa’s and will supply me with a cup or pot of tea in the afternoon.
As I mentioned before, a lot of planning and writing has been going on behind the scenes so I can start to truly move forward. I do not know if any of it will be possible but I will never know unless I try. My main issue is my health, I don’t even have anyone willing to take me to appointments or help me sort them out, this is out of my control and I think that is the hardest part. I miss my independence so very much and having people around me who don’t get it is draining. There is nothing quite a lonely as being in a relationship and feeling a lone in life so much.
Now all that is out of the way there will be a less venting post up either later today or tomorrow. I still have to go through it and edit it some more. Yes I know it may not seem like I do but I edit, as best as a tired person can who’s brain is scrambled on meds.