Well here we are then so hello to pre birthday reflection and wanted outcomes. I am not even sure when this pattern started but it is something I seem to of done for longer than I can remember. I guess in a way it is my brains way of celebrating my up and coming new year. Especially as I have never really done resolutions for the new calendar year.
So where am I at? (Apart from currently relying on double meds to get by) I know I am more than fed up with the fact that being chronically ill and disabled gets in the way with every single little thing I want to do and achieve, but it isn’t going anywhere. I am fed up with not getting the help and support I need in person, I say thins because I get more support and validation online. How ever does being angry and fed up with it all change it? Nope. Does me constantly complaining and asking for things to be different change things? Also nope. All I am left with are things I can do.
I can plan my weeks and months out as much as I want to but my health will at some point get in the way. I am coming to accept this now that my mind is settling down so I can implement those years of DBT. Income Is still my biggest hurdle, but I have finally made a start at sorting through any stock that I have all over the place. It would of course be easier if I had the money to rent a shop, pay someone to work there, pay someone to make and upkeep an online shop to match. Id also like to have the money to start travelling. I know saying this may bring on another wave of covid, as last time I planned to travel mother nature went “nope we are going to be doing things differently from now on” as much as I continue to write about how much money would help me right now, again if “wishes were horses …”
So the planning and prep work is being done slowly, mostly by myself but with some help from my youngest. The biggest hurdle is still the sorting out of my home and the impact it has on me. One morning of sorting things out results in at least three days of recovery, and that is with taking breaks as I can’t stand for longer than about 10-15 minutes at a time. Once my house is sorted I will be able to feel a little bit more in control of things and being able to get back to art, creating, and making things will be so good for my mental health. In the ideal world, the rooms would be organised and usable by my birthday, which doesn’t give me long.
In the mean time I accept my limitations more times than non. I still try and convince myself it is all in my head occasionally, then my body swiftly reminds me that it is all indeed very real. Regardless of what anyone says or thinks. god-dam ableist brainwashing. How does one deprogram themselves?
