As I sit drifting in and out of consciousness whilst attempting to read this month’s magazines I can hear a distant tut from inside my own head. Why do I keep doing this? Why is it that I believe the ultimate solution will jump out from one of the pages? You know, one of those “ah-ha” moments like I have had in the past? Why is my brain so fucking ableist? Why do I keep reading these bloody magazines that tell me I can do anything if I put my mind to it? Life isn’t that “easy” anymore. Who would ever of thought that there would be a day where I missed that it was “just my mental health” that needed working on and changing? I know I certainly didn’t.
2020 really has been a fucking year hasn’t it? I don’t think 2021 is going to be much better either, and I do not think I am not alone in reassessing life. It has been a divisive year to say the least too. I feel like the first half of the year was spent trying to educate the intolerant, whilst the second half was spent mainly just being tired of repeating the same things to the same groups of people and deciding just to mute, unfollow, unfriend, or just outrightly block them.
I have learnt so much about myself this year, mainly through the hours of YouTube content I have consumed. (Yes I too joined TikTok) I have also felt validated more by people online than in my own life.
I have decided to take the past year as prep for the up and coming year. Gone are the usual resolutions, as for now, we are all living in world where we are no longer fully in control of what we do. Being disabled and chronically ill has also taken away control with this year marking the second in a row where I have been housebound trying to rely on others. The honest truth is that I been left disappointed, and very much alone in it all. I do not know if it my own fault because I have always been the head of the household, the one who has always been there to help anyone and every one I can. My main problem moving into the new year and future in general is how o get the fucking help and support I need. Not just in every day to day life tasks but also with trying to earn money (yes, I still haven’t worked that one out yet) For years I have been told not to worry about it all, not to stress, that things will work out etc. but they haven’t. Things are stagnant, people have settled and I am here waving my arms needing help and being ignored. But I suppose this year has taught me that I am not getting what I need in life. I know I am not the only one either. I do not have anyone in my life who has stepped up to the role of looking after me, or even realising/ being bothered to learn about the fact to what extent I need help. Yes I have asked, it is why I have been left to the rather sad and pitiful state am currently in. I have always been someone who hasn’t asked for help, ever. If I have an issue, I usually have a “melt down”, cry, take a deep breath, and then carry on fighting. I use to be able to do this because I didn’t have the physical health issues I now try and live with. Where as now, even trying to explain to people how my legs always feel heavy and exhausted gets met with nothing but being told to rest. They don’t understand that resting doesn’t make me feel better, and it won’t make me feel better because I am never going feel better. As for trying to explain brain fog to someone and how I need them to take over making sure I eat properly, drink properly, and oh remember to take the right meds at the right time.
At the same time I feel guilty in having to ask for help, for nagging for help, for pleading for help. I am a big believer that if someone wants to help you they will, that they have to be the type of person naturally and not be pushed into being someone they are not. My pride has taken a compete bashing this year and for nothing. What I need is for someone to put me first in a way that I need, not in the way they think I need, and to start taking me serious with my dreams and aspirations in life. Or now I’m disabled am I supposed to settle into the life I have until I die full of regrets, and sadness? How do I get the support I need from people who seem not think I am important enough? Because I certainly don’t feel important. Oh and I can’t pay for someone.
I know I can not dig down and help myself. Not physically anyway, not anymore.
Have I completely lots where this post was heading? Yes.
Has it turned into a rant possibly repeating past blog post issues? Yes.
Am I going to post it anyway? Of course I am.
And, am I going to continue to find the answers myself? Most definitely.