After a lot of thinking time, I have decided that in order for me to start a fresh and be able to document my journey (has that phrase been killed?) from that point I need to rant. Its a good way of getting gall of the crap out of your system so you can see it and work from there. Also after talking to a few friends they suggested I do this post because it resinates with so many. Oh and one other thing, I believe it has also been the block that has been in the way of moving forwards as I ruminate on everything as it goes around and around in my head. This may get repetitive, rants and not too coherent. I am full of extra pain killers and energy from the full moon. (yes I blame the moon for a lot of things)
I have to start actively making improvements myself because there isn’t anyone else who can help. I don’t really have support network, mainly because I have always been everyone else’s support network and have always been able to help others as well as deal with my own shit. I am like a matriarch. I was brought up to put others first while at the same time burying my own needs because they were never important. I became a mother at 17, I am now 43 and my children don’t need my daily focus as much. My youngest is 19 and has ASD and does require some one to one with certain tasks… which brings me onto the every day gripes.
House work and having a very unorganised home. It is driving me to insanity.
I started sorting the house out not too long before I really started to deteriorate health wise. In the list of things that had to be done it was always last. I had been homeschooling my youngest from the age of 13, he requires a lot of one to one instruction when doing certain tasks, as he grew he become more and more aware of this fact which then frustrated him making having to do any task that much more delicate. As time went on my health got worse, my energy levels went through the floor and my house turned into a giant slot and slide puzzle. Boxes were every where and anyone would of thought we had just moved in. I gradually got furniture and storage (something I didn’t have before) and very slowly started organising it. 4/5 years later there are still things in boxes but I can’t be too down on myself because thinking about it now I have done really well with organising it. Nothing has really been done in the past year and a half though and it is this that is frustrating me.
So lets get to the whole lack of support I feel on a daily basis and the reasons why.
First and possibly the most hardest one for other people to understand is the way I am and think. Yes my whole life others needs have had to come before mine, I am not complaining because I didn’t know any different and my children needed me more and more as the years went by. My role as a mother is to be there and do the best at bringing up my children to be good human beings. I do things for others because I want to, I know what it is like to be on your own with things and if I can stop others from feeling like that then I will. That is the type of person I am. I am a huge believe that if others chose to do help you with something it is their choice and always should be their choice. It is one of the reasons why I no longer ask for help. It is something I never use to do, and was ok with. Then others kept telling me I had to start asking for help, which I did and it came and then went. I also got tired of having to ask the same things over and over again. The only time I have ever nagged is when trying to ket children to do their chores and meet their responsibilities. I don’t like it, it makes me feel horrid.
Which is where I am at right now. Again. Everyone saying I can’t do things on my own yet I have no one to do things with. I keep being told to ask for help but don’t feel as though I have anyone to ask. People have their own lives, work, stresses. My other half is here in the evenings and at the weekend, he is also stressed and trying to find another job as his current place of work is facing going under. I don’t like asking for help because that takes away from his down time and the things he enjoys, heck he is also my carer. I would love it if he just decided to help with house work without being told or asked. I would love it if my youngest was able to do the same thing too, but they don’t. It isn’t part of who they are and who am I to make them change? I know I wouldn’t appreciate it if it was the other way around. (if that makes sense) I hate being told what to do, by anyone. My youngest can’t, he is getting better at being able to do some tasks now unaided but these can take days to be completed. Stressing just cause more stress that then lasts longer. Its no fun at all. This stress makes my physical health worse and I’ve not even ranted about not having a regular income.
I feel lonely in it all but everything that I am is telling me to sort it out myself, then if others want to be a part of it etc they will come a long and help by choice. If they don’t then they don’t. I can not change that. This I have to accept. Which I think I am on the way of being able to.
My current plan of action therefore is this.
Write down everything I want to accomplish. Make a step by step plan to each of them, while accepting I have to take my health into consideration too meaning plans have to be quite flexible.
Start actively participating in my life rather than hiding from it. If I start actively practicing DBT again and documenting it all may help others and keep me focused on moving forward. After all I use to teach it to others, hold talks on the subject and hold workshops etc.
Learn to ask for help from people who can help. If there isn’t anyone then it is understandable that it is going to add to the feeling of being in this on my own. Rather than it getting to me this is a time when I need to practice more of my DBT skills, heck my skills list is out of date. Focus is what I need, focus in finding out what I want to do with my life, while every one around me is doing the same about theirs. I am 44 this year. Never done anything for myself and it is about time I did.
There are a couple of posts I want to get out of the way before I start with all if this, just a couple of basic (back ground) ones about my health issues and I was going to post them before this one, but as you can tell this has been boiling over for a while and needed to get out of my system.