Hello 2020

Even though we are almost at the end of January already this is my “goodbye 2019 and hello 2020” post. I have also lost most of this month and indeed most of 2019 to being ill and on meds. Knowing that this is how I am going to be for life has been taking a toll on mental health.I am not sure if hormonal changes are also adding to the rise of my depression.

I know,  “what a cheerful start to a post” but I am hoping that by starting while at the bottom I can only rise. Right? Either way for one reason and another I have decided “sod it”, there is never going to be that perfect time to start blogging more and to start a vlog. Yup, that’s right I said a vlog.

The thought is scary a one but it is the only way I am going to be able to communicate some days. Being medicated makes it hard to write ( I am sure I have mentioned that before and will be the reason why this post may not read as well as id like) vlogging will hopefully make it easer.

I am not expecting anything big to come of it, I just want to get my voice out there and share with people how my life is. My children are grown and I need to have something for me, to keep me occupied and focused. It is hopefully going to make myself more accountable with certain things and to force myself to carry on even when things are hard.

The past 18 months I have been stuck in bed and at home, only able to leave the house when I am accompanied by someone which hasn’t really been a lot. My independence is one of my most treasured things, I feel so lost without it, the ability to be able to just take myself for a walk is the one thing I miss most. I am always being told that I shouldn’t be doing things but while every one is off living their lives and doing what they want to do I am left going crazy in my own home. I am really not the most sociable of people, in fact I love my own company, being in my own bubble of thoughts tootling along to the soundtrack my head DJ has decided to play makes me so happy, especially when I have a camera in my hand to capture the little bits of beauty others may miss.

This is year is all about facing my fear, and my biggest fear and the one thing that throughout my life has stopped me is my fear of failure. It stops me from even starting something meaning I am going to have to start applying my teachings instead of keeping myself separate from. This blog post has taken months of inner conflict to post, so hi welcome to my brain dump. It makes me feel like a fraud, here I am supporting others in gaining a better life and all the time here I am spending all my time arguing with myself in my head. It is the same issue I had when I first started DBT and I know where it all stems from. I am 44 this year, I am not where I wanted to be in life mainly because I have never really known. For as long as I can remember I have always had a “fight” between the part of me that says “come on lets go for it” and the must stronger part of me that enforces the “no this is what life dealt you, you’re just another council kid statistic”

Work wise, hmmmmmmmmm this is still a huge issue. I need to set myself up an online shop as this is going to be the only way I could ever maintain a shop of my own. As nice as it would be to be able to travel with my stall like I used to this isn’t an option. My fears echo in the back of my head louder that I would like them to even at writing about what I need to do.

I have to maintain focus while not being hard on myself at the same time. I need to learn how to take time for me without guilt, stop avoiding facing things that lead to more stress if left. To not make rigid plans because chances are I won’t be able to stick to them, through no fault of my own and in turn that doesn’t help my mental health. I am already keeping up with eating healthier, remembering to drink plenty and I am still going to the gym and haven’t missed a PT session yet. (it came close but after a quick chat my PT adapted that weeks session to suit my physical ability)

I have yet to find a way of getting help with things, which I need. Especially in sorting the house out (yes still) so even though I am still constantly being told that I am not to do anything, I am still the one in charge of doing everything, if I ask for help with turns to me nagging for help and the thing that is currently frustrating me the most is that I can’t get anyone to do a task independently.