And indeed the one I have been putting off for the simple fact… I am lost. There is no better way to put it other than that.
Let me explain… briefly after reviewing what I wrote and cutting about 40% out of it.
As you know by now every time I make plans my health rears its unwanted truths and has me in bed, and resting whilst being horizontal becomes my norm. Most of these plans can wait, I have time I simply need to wait for a bit until I can get back to it. Over the past few years those times in-between resting, times where I am able to do the things I want to, have become fair a few. The horizontal days meant plenty of thinking, reading and reflection leading me to delve into who I am more and more. It is nice to be able to explore thoughts, feelings and ideas. As I do not really talk to people about many things I do spend a lot of time in my head, it is how I process so many things, and with the help of a bit of soul searching and self therapy I became so much happier in my identity than ever before. Finding the words that fit, realising I am not alone, a freak, or broken truly has been a long time coming. For the first time in my life I can honestly know who I am, and I am proud I have made it this far. Heck I can even set boundaries now…by gods people do not like it when you do that.
Needless to say things were on track last year, things had started to look up, more plans were being made for the future and I honestly thought that would lead to some fantastic adventures, creations, and experiences. Then the rug was pulled from underneath me and my whole world got turned upside down. And I realise now that I will only ever have myself to rely on. Red flags were missed, or I guess I should say I not only had I ignored them hoping that they would change colour but also put up with them whilst they were waving in my face. To be honest the whole flag pole could of been hitting me over the head and I would still think to myself “no this is ok, he’ll move it soon I have to be patient” I mean broken promises had become the norm, words and actions never aligning and gas the gas lighting, oh my gods the gas lighting truly made me believe anything and everything negative was in my own head. It wasn’t. As far as he is concerned I was always to blame and have never been worth the effort. My heart got ripped out and I think we can safely say eight months of being ghosted means it is never going to be put back. 18 years, 18 fucking years is all that still goes around my head. It’s fine loving someone with everything you have until that gets taken away and you are left with nothing. It feels as though I am back at the start, I know I am not, I know I have learnt so much, and have come so far personally. But the future promised will never be. I am now out here figuring it all out again only this time I have zero interest in any romantic relationships. I will instead collect more plushies for my bed, they’re there for any comfort when needed.
This year has hit me differently and with a huge hit to my health. I have pretty much been asleep for the past few months leaving me behind on all my plans once again. The temptation just to fuck it all off, delete everything and ignore the world has, and still is very strong. I have not listened to it though which is progress. I still have to accept that I cant simply push through it, my health takes over every single time which is something out of my control. I can only try and control how I deal with it all. I am unsafe to leave the house on my own because I fall a lot. I do have a manual wheelchair but need a motorised one, because let us face it, going around propelling myself may be fun in short bursts or for short distances but to do that all of the time would lead to injury as well as even more exhaustion. Oh now here is an extra thought… how accessible are the paths, roads, town, shops etc going to be? What about public transport, will I ever be able to go on holiday again, and do all these things on my own? Well I guess stay tuned for more on that one.
My main focus right now is my mental health, spring has bought the usually stresses of the season where I need my health to be stable enough to get the garden ready for planting, I am still figuring out the design as it has had to change to fit around my health, only thing is that in itself takes time. Nature doesn’t wait for that. I do have things in my chill out house growing, but have had to plant more tomatoes after knocking the first crop over breaking the seedlings, and I am planning on getting more chickens at some point but the garden needs finishing first. I am hoping for dry weather next week so I can have a fire, burn some of the sticks that I do not need and give me the woods I need for the garden and compost bin. It is lunar Beltane after all and what better time to do it. So of course now I have said that it is going to rain.
So I now have this down to just over a thousand words after I have finished writing this part and as my brain is frazzled I am going to leave it at that for the time being. I do have more in the wings waiting to be read through edited and then posted, like many things they will get posted eventually.
Happy Friday people.
The Proverbial Dandelion 