Having “A Moment”

I had a plan

I had children at a young age, that way by the time they grew up I was still young enough to make the most of the post child rearing stage. I never gave any thought to what I would do as I was too busy bringing up my boys. As our life unfolded I feel In love with an amazing group of friends who love to manipulate objects as well as setting them alight and creating lED “toys” that’d blow your mind. We became festival goers, not mass music festivals but those that were more chilled and fun. My boys experienced festivals from didgeridoo fest, pagan ones and our most favourite being Play. We could all be ourselves, not having to worry about people judging us for our way of life and generally felt like going home. We could recharge and most importantly meet up with loved friends that come from all over the world. All this came during the period of me finding myself, as cheesy as that sounds it is the only way of putting it. I fell in love with an amazing guy who did nothing but encourage me to be me, even if I do frustrate him at times he’s never tried to change me to fit in with his way of thinking.

That’s when I developed my plan, I learnt how to Poi, hula hoop amongst other things, started performing, teaching and started making a good income. (I taught Hoop Guy from BGT to hoop) I started making jewellery to sell at smaller festivals where I’d trade my workshop and performing skills for a ticket price and table space. Then once my boys were old enough and grown I would go to more festivals, not really in a performing way but to be part of the crew and holding workshops. This way I could travel more offering my skills as a kind of trade in the way I had done in the mean time and who knows manage to still earn enough to finally get the retreat I’ve always dreamt of so that smaller festivals and workshops could be held there.

My oldest son who moved out years ago and lives with his fiancé is 25 in just over six months time, in one month and five days my youngest son who has ASD turns 18 and in thirteen days I am 42! This was the year my plan was going to kick start, I wanted my retreat in full swing for when I turn 50.

Currently I am lay in bed despite it being a lovely day outside, I’d usually be out walking and taking photos while foraging things for tea and lunch the next day or flowers for house. I’ve beyond exhausted myself sorting out my garden and the house. The former is finished and growing like crazy, the latter is still very much a work in progress. I have zero income apart from benefit top ups but what I do have is a lot of stress, not to mention huge feelings of “it’s not fair” in a toddler type way. I’m not going to lie, they’ve consumed me over the past few months. Being ill sucks, fibromyalgia sucks and my symptoms are getting worse so I’m being referred to a neurology consultant to be tested for MS. I’m in nappies (well 8-15 year old dry nights) which is also a new fun symptom so a referral to the continence clinic to see if they can help me. My meds have been upped and I’ve accepted that my whole blog needs a disclaimer that will explain the ups, downs, changing of writing styles etc that will no doubt become apparent to some as time goes on.

I am starting to get my fight back though, I can feel it bubbling away and Its starting to be joined by a growing love and obsession with art. I know I’ll get my full fighting spirit back. Having a temper tantrum over the last few months has been tiering but it’s been needed. I now have decided that my blog is going to be very honest and what the kids call “real” it’s the only way I know in real life so it makes sense not to try and “fit in” with the “trendy” bloggers.

So I currently have a plan, that is to find a new plan. One that I can fit around being ill and full time carer to my son but still enables be to get my ass to Wales and have that longed for retreat.