Two months

In exactly two months time I will be 48

For a while I have been wondering how the hell I can reinvent myself at my age, is it even possible? Or should the question of been is it reinvention even the word? The thing is I have never known who I am in the first place. Just when I think the path ahead is quite clearly signposted the ground collapses from under me leaving me in a place of uncertainty. I am more than fed up of life being a challenge I really am. When I was younger I was convinced I had been cured, or came from a family who had been cursed by witches hundreds of years ago and that is why everything that had happened happened. I am not going to lie, those thoughts still pop into my head. Especially as every single afab person in my family have ended up living on their own, trapped in the life they were born into. I never wanted that for myself and yet here I am, destined for a state run care home, with no assets and no chance of the dream life I have always wanted, and I didn’t want that for my boys. 

As I head closer to this so called future of mine, the more my brain is determined at I am going to change it. Is now too late? Is it ever too late? So many questions that I do not know the answers to. So many promises from the past that were simply just ways to keep me quiet. If I had known there what I do now then the past years wouldn’t of been wasted by waiting for the promised help that would lead me to the my dreams. Looking back doesn’t help, no matter how much I keep finding myself doing that very thing, usually last thing at night.

There are so many things I want to do, I still have dreams and goals. Yet I can help but thinking that these dreams will die when I do. Just like what happened with my grandma, left to die a lone in room with wishes replaced by regrets. It is why I guess she made me promise not to. This too echos around my head at night. Fun yeah? Errrrrm actually no, no not really.

I will be doing this on my own, sounds like a brave decision right? Again no. no not really. I am doing this on my own because I am on my own and I will be for the forceable future. I have no plans of ever getting in a relationship so I have to work out how I am going to do it. I would very much like my health to stop being a pain in the ass and getting in the way, it is something I am always fighting against and I have to learn how to work with it. This in itself Is proving the greatest challenge, How am I supposed to create content to upload regularly in order to try and get my YouTube monetised so I can stand any chance of earning money, when I can not even stay awake long enough during the day to create content? In 4 years time it will mark the 20th year of being self-employed. My backup plan was always to get another job, and with thanks to our PM I have been given the idea to put my details on linkedin just incase one of those potential disability friendly employers can help. I will of course be completely open about my disabilities and I will of course keep you up dated on this.

SO two months until I am 48 and I am sat here wondering how to change the future that is in-store for me, to change it not just for me but also for my boys. (We will not go into the mum guilt right now) I will see you next month for the “One month until my birthday” post. I wonder if anything would have changed by then.