Why Hello 46

An update with many a tangent.

A couple of weeks ago it was my birthday, and it was the best birthday I’ve had in goddess knows how long. My youngest went full out, balloons, birthday cake, gifts the whole lot. I received 5 bunches of beautiful flowers too, including one off my ex… talking of 

The weekend before we had started talking and planning on trying to work through things. He invited me to Wales to watch him do his flying lessons, which turned into me joining him in the air. We had a lovely time away, it gave me hope. We didn’t talk about things much, just enjoyed and made the most of each moment. I am however now being ghosted. I do know he reads these blogs (he told me so) and that did make me reconsider just how much I write, then realised nope, this is my blog, my outlet and that is never going to change. A lot of things are going to have to change if there is any hope what so ever and right now my hope is very minimal. It is really messing with my head, how did we grow in the 16 years in such different ways? Or did I grow and he didn’t? I know I have changed and have done so much work on myself, learning and finding our new things about the and embracing them. Online has been my strongest support, no one in particular just being opened up to the whole world. 

For the first time in my whole life I feel in control of my own life, body and soul. I love who I am, I am still open to new ideas, information and to be honest everything and anything I can find that keeps me growing as a human. 

Back to Wales… oh I so wish I was actually going back. As you may already know Caernarfon and  North Wales in general is where I would very much like to be. Yes I still have that dream. Whilst there is was made apparent that I am the only one willing to work my ass off to get the money needed to follow this dream. Who knows it may end up being my “retirement” home, seems as though I am only 20 years away from that time of my life. Not that I am ever going to be able to retire of course. Anyway, Wales was as always amazing. I got to fly in a light aircraft over my favourite place in the world and I honestly didn’t think it would look more breathtaking. That flight proved me wrong. I am pretty sure he enjoyed his flying lessons, he even got to land. We then went into the museum and I had my first ever Clan meet. I could have stopped and talked all day with them, we have so much in common It really was lovely, I even got a hug… well ok if you know me you know I launched myself in excitement and gave them a hug. We then went for food and then to the beach. Oh my gods it made me so happy. Rather than going straight back to the travel lodge I wanted to be out as long as possible. I was already going through a flair up but there is something quite healing sat by the sea, watching the tide come in, oh and crab watch. I spent a while (what may seems to others as too long)  watching a few crabs do their thing narrating their adventures and generally taking a breather from life for a bit. It was lovely and I could have stopped there for longer if it wasn’t for the fact my body won’t let me. The next day we decided to go a couple of places and take a steady drive home. We went to the Mach loop and although the MD were not flying at that point we stayed ad waited just incase. I decided to climb up a bit of the mountain to get a better view and so I could chill out on the grass. It is getting easier going around and doing these things with walking aids. I feel a lot more confident when there is someone around who can pick me up if and when I fall though. After I went on what can only be described as a pilgrimage, only one of ease s someone else was driving. I certainly couldn’t walk that, or indeed get there myself. 

The first time I went to the Shrine of Saint Melangell it felt like coming home. I may write about my spiritual experiences one day but for now I shall keep that between myself and one or two other people as I usually only tell these things to those I feel a spiritual connection with. The experience this time was just as amazing. Different to the first but amazing non he less. Nothing like a place making you feel empowered and that I did. And I still do.

We made it back to mine about 8pm and we were both knackered. The following days communication was lovely, I honestly thought that this was going to be the start of our “new” relationship. But I was wrong. Sadly so very very wrong. I tried explaining a few things such as the fact I am Asexual and that anything remotely related to sex triggers my CPTSD. I am no longer willing to put myself through that because the fall out isn’t worth it. I am fully taking control of my body, regardless of my “societal teachings” Well this didn’t go down too well to say the least and I was instantly gas lit and i’ve been ghosted ever since. 👍 fucking 👍 why the hell do I still hold out hope at all? 

Since Wales my chronic pain has just increased and is currently showing no signs of easing up soon. Today a lone I have had several falls just trying to get the basics done. Two of them whilst in the garden and I didn’t have my phone to call for help. I think the universe just wanted me to spend an extra hour or so with the chickens. 

As for work…. Well dryer that the Sahara is a very accurate summery. I have bit and pieces coming in but it really looking like only fans is going to be my only option. I am worried I shall end up looking like a “readers wife” version but heck it has to be worth a try. It isn’t like I haven’t done adult modelling work before… way before the internet by the way. Things have changed… lots. If only fans can get me to where I want to be then that’d be amazing. All other options are out of the window. I am not employable, people who said “don’t worry it will be fine we will sort something out” never happened and I an fucking done with waiting for others to help me get to where I want to be. If I have to do it on my own then so be it. Others can then chose whether or not they want to come along with me. For fucks sake I am getting closer and closer to being 50, it is about time I did my life my way 100% rather than the 50% that I have been doing.

In other news my art journey is taking off a little faster than I thought it would. I am unlearning everything I was told when I was younger. You really do not understand how hard this is for me, and I battle with it every single time I pick up art supplies. Watching other artists on YouTube has been a massive help, as have a few books and hopefully some lessons on Skillshare will be my next step. I am avoiding them because of my dislike of being told what to do, pretty much by anyone. My grandma did use to say that I was born defiant. She, like always, wasn’t wrong. In fact she encouraged it, despite the rest of the family. She had the same flame inside of her that my great grandma did. I think it skipped my mother but I can feel it burning in me, reading one of my grandmas old books lit it. You see she had a copy of  ‘the most extraordinary book Women In Bondage’ by V.M Hughes if you can find a copy, first let me know where from as I would very much like to buy another copy, and tell friends who also want to read it. It was printed in 1958 in Great Britain by Northumberland press ltd and published by Torchstream Books. I have read it twice now and will be reading it again that is for sure. It may of been printed in the 50’s but dear gods it is so sad that many are still fighting against the very thing written. I wish my grandma was still here, I am finding out so much about her and I would love for her to be able to tell me rather than me putting pieces together. 

So art wise. I have brought myself a nice little desk easel which came with a sketching set.. very handy. I also brought some Arrtx alcohol markers and acrylic pens. These are kind of at the lower price range of the ones I really like but sometimes price isn’t everything and I am actually excited to have a weekend of art. You this weekend that is my plan. Art. Nothing else but art, whether sketching, playing with my new pens and seeing how they interact with the ones that I already have, or absorbing even more art YouTube. Who’d of thought getting excited about revamping a dollhouse would lead to this? I certainly didn’t. I remember getting this excited about art when I was younger, its taken me exactly 30 years to start getting it back and I have to say I am living for it. 

I think I have updated you all enough for now. Ive just noticed the word count! Oops. I am going to stop making it longer and go feed some chickens their supper before we all go to bed. Separately by the way.

Oh one last thing. How the fuck is it nearly August?